Frighteningly honest

With Halloween coming up I figured it was time to take off my mask. To reveal the things I am learning about myself and life in general. So hope y’all are prepared for some honest truth.

My faith is laughable.

 I’ve had this blog for like a year now. I write about my faith and there was a time I read my bible every day. Truth is, when I was so focused on my relationship with God I felt so alone. I was crazy about my supposable faith that I wouldn’t go out and I wouldn’t give people a chance. I was living in this secluded bubble thinking that I was this godly woman just because I read my bible and listened to k love radio and went to church on Sunday’s. The hard truth is that, I’ve learned that I am NOT a godly woman. I’m just a woman. A broken woman. I’m not above anything or anyone. Yes- I believe in the Lord. I want to live for Him but I also want to live my life. I want to stop being secluded, to stop hiding and trying to be perfect. So lately I’ve been living my life. I guess you can say I’ve been sinning to some extent. Yet I’ve come to the realization that I am never going to be perfect, never. And when I was focusing so much on my “faith” I wasn’t really letting myself experience life. At the end of the day I’m still going to believe in God. I have the Holy Spirit inside of me and I’m going to remember God and live my life also.

Doubt and confusion doesn’t come from God. 

I am still learning this y’all. I think we as humans create so many unnecessary problems and drama in our lives by giving into thoughts that we create in our minds. Sometimes our thoughts can be our worse enemy. I am learning that when things don’t make sense I can sit there and let my mind be bombarded with thoughts that really aren’t helping anything or I can tell myself to shut up or rather relax and trust. It’s really a struggle some days and I am still learning.

Stand up for myself before it’s too late.  I used to believe in being the bigger person. What I mean by that is keeping my mouth shut when rude comments or remarks are said. Lately I’ve learned that I can only take so much. I never believed in “treat people the way they treat you.” I’ve always believed in treating people better than the way they treat you. Backwards, right? Yet I’ve discovered that golden rule is popular for a reason. The only way for me to not get walked all over, taken advantage of or disrespected is to treat people the way their actions/words deserve. Standing up for myself is something I have hardly ever done but it’s something I am working on.

Emotions, emotions, emotions! 

Emotions really are just visitors and that is the hardest thing to accept. Truth is emotions shouldn’t control how I act or how I feel. I need to live loved always. Always knowing that the Lord loves me and that is enough. I don’t need to let any type of emotion control me. Yet I do and I think we all do at times. Damn emotions, emotions, emotions! Just too many emotions that I can’t even.

Things are out of my control. 

Just when I think I am in control of my life I am once again reminded that I am not in control and I never will be. Things happen that I don’t expect, change comes and it goes. Life goes on even when I just want to pause life or hit rewind. There is nothing I can do but just keep living.

Relationships should be kept private.

I hate when I am a big blabber mouth about who is in my life or who left my life. I’m learning to keep relationships private- friendships, family members, etc. shouldn’t be talked about with someone else. The only person I need to turn to when it comes to my relationships is God. Telling people about my relationships never helps but only leads me with emotions all over the place. No one needs to know who is in my life or who isn’t. They can find out when the time is right or when it’s necessary I don’t need to go broadcast it. This is something I’m still learning and I’m disappointed I haven’t kept my private affairs private.

When life feels like it’s falling apart- it’s really falling together. 

I don’t know what gods plan is for me, why things happen or what is going to happen tomorrow. I do know that things will work together for my good. I’m learning to trust the broken pieces on the floor.