Have you ever missed something that hasn’t even left you but you left it? What do I even mean by that? For the past few months I’ve been saying to myself, “I miss God.” Weird huh? I mean how I can miss God when He’s never left me. Oh wait… I’ve left Him.
Scrolling through my old blog posts I see a pattern and looking at my life I see a pattern as well. A pattern I don’t like very much. It’s a pattern of being too hard on myself, of wanting to be consistent but never really reaching that point. It’s seems like every time I get close to being the person I want to be I take two steps back. I’ve always been a very determined person and when I want something I go after it. I’m guilty of putting a lot of pressure on myself to be who I think I need/want to be. For instance, I used to make lists of things that I thought would help me be a better version of myself. The list included of hobbies like yoga, listening to music, and something as simple as dancing around in my room. It included reading my bible every single day and being closer to the Lord. Through my failed attempts or successful attempts of keeping up with the lists… God has continuously showed me it’s not about performance but about surrender.
If I’m being honest the past few months have been pretty rough on my relationship with God. Even when I do better or live up to my standards… God shows me it’s not enough without Him. Being who I think I want/need to be… falls short of who God created me to be. God says I am wonderfully and fearfully made. He says there is no flaw in me. Even when I have the things I desire sometimes I still get overcome with emotions. Emotions like feeling sad. Unworthy. Lost. Alone. Desiring More.
There’s a story in the Bible about a Samaritan woman whom Jesus had an encounter with. It’s the longest recorded encounter Jesus had with someone in the entire bible and it’s with a woman. I got new perspective on that story today.
I attended a women’s gathering at my church, called Thirst. Different speakers spoke life into the room, each sharing a different message. One of the messages referred to the encounter between Jesus and the Samaritan woman. In the story Jesus’ humanity is revelead. Here He is… the Almighty God thirsty and longing for a drink of water. So He asks this woman (who is probably hiding and alone) for water and of course she is shocked… because what good is she? He tells her He is the living water.
Why do we chose to drink from dirty water then? Or in my case why do I chose to hold onto the dirty water? In other words, why do I hold onto emotions that cause more harm then good?
Just the other night I had my headphones in as I was getting ready for dinner. I was listening to worship music and all these negative, nasty unwelcome emotions came over me. I started to feel pain. Even at at church today my mind began to wander. Yet as I listened to Amanda share her testimony of the life she had and the life she has now, I realized I have nothing to complain or worry about. I have no problems except for the ones I make up in my own head. As I listened to Kaitlyn speak about the Samaritan woman’s encounter with the Lord, I realized I don’t have to let these emotions stay. I don’t have to keep going back to them.
I know emotions are a part of life. Isn’t surrender apart of life too? I want to be married someday and if I can’t surrender my life to God, how can I surrender to a man? Feelings and emotions are great but they can also be a curse because they aren’t meant to control you. Today I felt the Lord nudging me to just be in stillness and really be present.
I’ve always been determined. Sometimes I’m more of a talker then a doer. I make lists. Goals. Dreams. Desires. But even when I have those things or am working towards them… it’s not enough. And when I let these emotions control me… I lose who I am. I lose God. I forget about Him and instead get wrapped up in emotions.
But God? He’s never once forgotten about me. He continuous to provide for me, love me, protect me and ultimately be my Father and friend. Maybe it’s time I started living like His daughter.
I encourage you to step out in faith. God has renewed you. You don’t need to keep drinking from that dirty water. You don’t need to keep feeling those emotions. Surrender. Don’t let feelings become bigger then God. Feel what you need to and then raise your head high because you are a daughter of the Most High God.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7