I can say I’m happy with where I’m at, with where God led me. I’m happy with who I am. I love myself. But I’m not happy eith who I am. I’m not happy with the things I do or rather the things I don’t do.
“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” –Romans 7:15 ESV
If you read some of my previous blogs there’s a pattern. Honestly a pattern in my life. At 22 years old, I’ll sum it up. I make lists of hobbies such as reading my bible, yoga, working out, reading, etc. I then proceed to make plans to do these hobbies everyday. Reading my bible in one year is something I’ve been trying to accomplish for like the past two years now. Oh and working out everyday. I’ll do good for about a month, sometimes two and then I’ll fall off. I’ll feel all this pressure on myself to start over after I’ve missed too many days or weeks of reading my bible. The same goes for working out and basically anything. The amount of pressure I put on myself… the pressure of starting over becomes too much that… I don’t begin again. I don’t begin again and I stay in this trap.
“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” –1 Peter 5:8 ESV
This trap of not liking the things I do. The trap of feeling like if Jesus were to come back today I couldn’t face Him because I don’t do anything, I don’t like who I am and I feel like I have nothing to show for myself.
At the end of the day none of that matters. When I stand before Jesus, He’s not going to ask me, “How many times did you workout? How many times did you do yoga?” He doesn’t care about that. But He does care if I’m actively seeking Him. How many times did I open my bible? How many times did I actively seek Him? How many times did I show others His love?
Yesterday I wouldn’t have liked my answer and to be honest I wouldn’t like my answer today. Praising God in my car ride home isn’t enough. Praying isn’t enough. Reading my bible isn’t enough but it’s a step.
“For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” Romans 15:4
You see, the one thing I’ve learned on my journey of self-love and acceptance is that God loves me no matter what. He knows everything about me and He sees me. He understands my heart better than I understand it myself. He wants me to love myself and like who I am on all days… not just the days I get everything done. I feel like when I feel good about my realationship with God, I feel better about the relationship with myself. Knowing who God is helps me to know myself.
I think I’m learning… slowly… to let go of my lists. Let go of my need to complete my hobbies everyday to be happy with who I am. I think I’m learning to let go of this amount of pressure I put on myself. I think I’m learning to understand that not all days are the same and not all days are guartennted. Instead of putting all this pressure on myself to do my list everyday, I need to just let that list go. Let it go and just do what I can today. I need to listen to the Lord and what He wants me to do today. I need to take care of myself.
I need to stop wasting my precious days on this Earth by just working, eating, hanging out and sleeping. I need to wake up again. I need to wake up to the Lords presence. I need to put myself in His presence again. I need to seek Him everyday without fail. Spend time with Him everyday because then I’ll feel better about who I am. Most importantly I’ll have His strength. And he’ll give me the strength I need again to be the person I long to be… before it’s too late.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints” –Ephesians 6:10-18 (ESV)