The following is a poem I wrote on 06/14/17:
With You it’s not about performance yet everyday its a fight to believe that. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. Defined as the use of persuasion, influence, or intimidation to make someone do something. Yet, You are not a forceful God and You never will be. Still knowing this there is a never-ending voice that tells me, “do this, don’t do that, do more of that, you’re not doing it right, you’re not doing enough, do more.” My mind doesn’t know which voice to listen to so it quiets down so now my whole body is overcome with emotion. Shut down and weak from all the endless words thrown at me. Still you wake me up. You give me a new chance everyday. This new day, this new chance is called grace. Your grace never runs out. Your grace is You never-ending willingness to forgive, to see me for who I really am, to never stop loving me, to never stop being there for me and giving me chances. Sometimes it’s hard to believe I’m worthy… I want to do more, be more. But why? None of that matters. With You it’s not about performance yet everyday it’s a fight to believe that. With You it’s about love. How do I love others? How do I love myself? How do I love you? Honestly, I don’t always like my response. Still You tell me I’m enough. Still You tell me it’s not about performance. Oh, God the pressure. -Gods grace over performance
The world around us can be so loud and obnoxious. It can easily try to put labels on us, telling us who we are and who we are not. Unfortunately, our worst critics are ourselves. I know all too well how it feels being hard on myself.
Since high school, I’d make these list of goals I wanted to accomplish as well as a list of hobbies I’d want to commit to. I’ve found out throughout the years following high school, that God never said we have to perform to a certain standard. He never said in order to go to heaven we have to perform a certain way. In fact it says in Matthew 22:36-40 it states that the greatest commandment is love. It’s about loving God, others and ourselves. It was never about performing and doing all these things. I feel like in today’s society, especially as women we get so caught up in accomplishing so much that we forget what really matters… to love.
I know that goals and hobbies are great to have but I also know they can be toxic when we let them define who we are. At the end of the day God still calls us His. Before Jesus even did anything, God said He loved Jesus and was well pleased with Him, most importantly God said Jesus was His Son. We are Gods children and nothing we do or don’t do can change that. I don’t know about you but I’m done living the way I was living.
At 22 years old, I can say that I’ve finally hit a break through. I’m done writing my list of hobbies and instead I’m just going to do them. I’m just going to act instead of always plan. I’m not saying this for everything in life because I’m the type of person that has to write “to do lists” especially at work because it keeps me balanced and I always have like 20 things to do at once :P. I’m still going to write my goals- hello that’s a must, but I’m not going to let those goals define me nor am I going to let those hobbies define me. I am a child of God first and foremost. I am a human on this earth struggling, and failing just like everyone else. I will live day-to-day asking myself, “What can I do today to help me become the person I want to be/ the person God created me to be?” I’m going to do my best each day in spite of how I feel. I hope at the end of my life when I stand before Jesus I loved enough and lived extraordinarily.