Seasons of doubt

It’s been 23 days since I closed a chapter in my life. And it’s been a little over two months, 67 days to be exact since I crossed oceans and came back home after being 6,728 miles away. The time I was gone flew by. For the past few months, it feels like time is just flying by. It’s like I’m here but I’m not. When I was across oceans, instead of making the most of my experience… all I did was worry. Doubt and confusion consumed my mind. Almost all my free time, I spent researching. It was so bad, I missed Christmas service. I missed celebrating the fact that Jesus Christ was born. The fact that a Savior was born for me.

Honestly, I’ve been thinking a lot lately, reflecting on last year and how it got away from me. Almost like much of this year. I walked into this year, not having any answer or clarity into what my future looked like or if I was making the right choice. I walked into 2019 determined to figure things out. Crazy thing is… I realized I was putting my hope and faith into things that don’t even matter. I was waiting on a college to get back to me, instead of waiting for God. Knowing that He was going to provide for me. So much time has passed, so much of my life has passed… and I spent so much of it worrying, doubting and questioning: everything. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing but I don’t think it should be a monthly thing.

Maybe this is just a season God has me in. The teacher is always quiet during the lesson. I’ve been thinking a lot lately how none of this matters. Where I go to school. Where I live. Who I’m with. What matters is that… I treat people good, with love, respect and kindness. What matters is that I’m going to stand before Christ. He’s not going to care what degree I got, or what job I had or if I earned salary or hourly pay. He cares about my heart. About my life. I’m so tired of stressing and caring so much about all this stuff. I have to remind myself every day: god will provide. It’s in His hands, I just need to do what I can, do my best and stay positive. I feel like all the time I spent worrying and researching 6,728 miles away did me no good. I feel like all the time I’ve spent the last few weeks talking about things has done nothing. It’s time to take action and leave it all in God’s hands. Maybe seasons of doubt are here to teach us to chill out and trust in Him.

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