Many times as I’m sitting in my car, driving along staring at the road ahead, I will start thinking about all the things I have yet to change or still haven’t changed as a person.
To be honest, I don’t know if I’ve changed that much after getting baptized. The past few years flew by before I could even think. I wonder, where did the years go? Most of all I wonder, what do I have to show for the past few years? What fruit have I produced the last few years? What lessons have I learrned throughout these past 4 years?
To be honest, as each year goes on, I don’t think we stop and reflect on where we were 5 years ago or even 2 years ago. As each year passes by, we usually take the time to reflect on that past year but never anything beyond that. Can you recall the last time you reflected on where you were at in your life (on a personal level- I.e, sad, happy, struggling with faith, etc) 5 or even 2 years ago? I can recall how I felt changed almost 4 years ago now.
It’s uncomfortable to talk about how I recognize the pattern of unhealthy thoughts (centered around pressure, striving for perfectionism and perfect performance) that has become my life. That’s not at all how my life should look after receiving the Holy Spirit and the forgiveness of sin and past regrets.
Yet, why has my life become this cycle of pressure to perform to standards I’ve created? Why are all my blog posts repetitive? I believe the answer to these questions are similar. I believe it’s simply because I expected my life to automatically look perfect after that declaration of faith.
I expected myself to not struggle falling in and out of my hobbies. I expected myself to be happy with who I am, without feeling insecurity still. That’s not the truth. Jesus said in this life we are going to have trials and tribulation.
Those trials and tribulations do not define me. Those mistakes I’ve made in my life do not define me. Especially, those moments of falling in and out of my hobbies… do not define me or my life. The fact that I skip a day of reading my Bible, does not define who I am or how good of a person I am. None of that matters.
I don’t want this blog to continue to be just about my hobbies and my Bible study and how I am struggling with all that. My life is more than that. It’s about the experiences I have, the people I encounter along the journey and the places I go. And I want to start writing about that. Because at the end of my life I don’t want to be known as just a quiet shy girl who blabbed about her commitment issues. So this is a new chapter and it’s beginning today.